New Year’s Resolution

A journey to the lighthouse

To be honest, I haven’t really been a huge fan of the bucket lists and resolutions lately. Saying you’ll start or stop doing something starting from this Monday, this summer, next year, in 5 years, etc, etc sounds like giving yourself an excuse to put off your plans for that extra time before Monday, summer, etc.

Still, as the end of the year approaches, I can’t help but reflect on everything that has happened.

It has been a year of plenty of firsts and new things in my life, good things, memorable firsts.

2016 was a year that…

The first time I moved out and started living completely alone.

The first time I started paying bills and rent from my own salary.

The first time I started to cook my own meal everyday, even if I’m exhausted, instead of going out and eating junk food.

The first time I went on a business trip.

The first time I saw my name on a printed book, even if it read ‘translated by’ instead of ‘written by’.

The first time I started to feel actually hopeful about my future, not just scared and confused by what it might hold.

The first time I stopped doing stupid shit not because I was afraid of what my parents would say, but because I just didn’t feel like doing so.

The year I started a new job, made great new friends, new memories, new experience.

However,

I’m nowhere close to where and who I want to be. Probably because the notion of the best version of myself changes constantly and it’s hard to chase something that is changing so fast. However, the distance between who I am and who I want to be is inspiring me, not scaring the living shit out of me.

I can’t stop myself from feeling a little sad, though, because it’s really hard to draw a line between allowing myself to gather experiences, to not make final decisions and live in the moment AND wasting time, being stuck in a bubble of “what ifs” while I’m getting older and older.

New Year is approaching and so is my 25th birthday.

Maybe it’s time to stop cutting myself some slack. Maybe it’s time to ditch my emotion-based philosophy and be more practical, pragmatic and decisive?

This year, I promise myself only that — I will be more decisive than the I was the previous one.

First decision? I will travel more. Because for me, traveling is like coming up for a fresh air, while I’m being suffocated, stuck in this Georgian bubble of everyday existence.

and maybe, also decide,

Is this the life I want to live?

Is this a person I want to be?

Is there any point at all trying to keep people in my life when they do not seem to care that much?

Can I be stronger?

Can I stop giving other people power to influence who I am?

Do I really need those fake friends?

Do I really have a solid reason to suffer from so many self-confidence issues?

Decide.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

and Decide.

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