My mother likes to say that I have never had to pay the consequences for my actions. Most times I will argue the point because I don’t see things that way. I feel like I have paid the consequences to some, certainly not all, of my actions, but paid them nevertheless.

For instance, I decided (in all my infinite wisdom) to buy a new Gateway computer for school using my grandmother’s credit card, coincidentally, without her explicit permission. Consequence: My parents pressed charges on me, I was arrested on a State Jail Felony charge of credit card abuse, paid a whole lot of restitution, and was on deferred State Jail Felony probation for four very long years.

Next example: So, me and my brilliant mind, think its a grand idea to take a bus to Lubbock from Abilene on July 11th, 2015 with very little sleep, get off the bus and get a ride to pick up my precious Pathfinder, (which I had left in Lubbock in May when my parents drove me to Serenity House treatment center in Abilene) hit the local ER, score a script for Klonipin, get it filled, proceed to take all of them, and drive back to Abilene at speeds exceeding 120 mph. (because you get there faster if you drive faster, right? SMH) Consequence: Getting literally road blocked in Snyder, Texas, (during lunch time, so of course all the new stations, newspapers, and citizens of this fine community with their live streaming-feed cell phones are present!!), by Texas State Troopers (a big thank you to Trooper Clemments and crew), Scurry County Sheriff's Department, and Snyder PD, pulled out of my vehicle, given a field sobriety test (the tripping, wobbling,cussing, standing-back-up-to try-again, swearing I have taken nothing routine, were caught in a perfect light on the 6 o’clock news and displayed in brilliant color across the next day’s front page of the paper). Wow, that was fun!!(yeah, well, I don’t remember most of it, thank God!!) I ended up sitting in jail for 30 days (I had never spent more than about 18 hours in jail) and then having to sell the Pathfinder, (that I swear was in control that hot July day I was arrested) leaving me car less and going back to a man I couldn’t seem to escape.

My point is, I have suffered the consequences to SOME of my actions, not all of them, but never in a manner like now.

Tomorrow, I will be in the 350th District Court, presided over by Your Honor Thomas Wheeler, in Abilene, Taylor County, Texas at 1:30 pm to find out what the District Attorney will be offering me in regards to the charge of ‘Fraudulent Intent To Obtain A Controlled Substance (CS) Schedule III/IV’. In the State of Texas, this is a third degree felony, which holds a sentence of not less than 2 years and not to exceed 10 years in the custody of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice. Unless of course we get an offer for probation, which is generally the case with first time drug charges such as mine, but there is always a chance that won’t happen. I am hoping for probation.

I was arrested on this charge January 4th, 2015 at Barnes and Williams pharmacy on the south side of Abilene by Agent G.D., one of the men-in-blue-but-get-to-wear-street-clothes-so-we-don’t-know-when-they-are-tailing-us Abilene Narcotics Unit. I remained in jail for 61 days while waiting to get the money to bond out on a $10,000 bond.

Needless to say, I am absolutely petrified about tomorrow. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I feel like I can’t breathe, and I have that very strong urge to up and relocate to Mars before tomorrow at 1:30 pm. Running is what I do. I run fast, I run far, and I don’t stop until I am made to. Well, thank-you Agent G.D., I am now stopped. Maybe not from all things I should or shouldn’t be doing (depending on your take on it), but I am certainly halted for the moment. *And when I say thank-you to Agent G.D., I sincerely mean it, because had he not arrested me on that day, I don’t know that I would still be here.*

Regardless of what happens in that courtroom tomorrow, I am hoping I will walk through this with a mere modicum of the grace, dignity, and respect I have witnessed in words so often from the amazing women here on Medium like TeriJo, Fierce Force 💃🏼, Meg, marika bianca, Sherry Kappel, Jess Schwendinger, Anuschka Conoci, and countless others, so that I may come out stronger, fiercer, and more determined than ever on the other side!!

Here’s to Honesty, Open-Mindedness, Acceptance, and Willingness, because I am having to learn what these are all about each day, one day at a time, especially tomorrow!!

See ya’ll on the flip-side!!